The Punk Rockers of Erebor
by S-J-Watson-Holmes
Summary: Thorin, Bilbo and their friends are part of a punk rock band called Erebor. Smaug is a bizarre business man who's intent is to gain control over the band. Gandalf is a slightly spastic business man who fends off Smaug. Everything is fine until Bilbo decides they should play at a stadium on 'The Lonely Mountain' and things go awry. (AU. Bilbo/? and Gandalf/Elrond.)


**Hello! This is Sherlock Watson-Holmes. So, John and I wrote this as we were high on adrenaline and psychotic spurs of energy. We're not really this realistically insane. Okay yes we are. As said (always) there are gay ships... John said 'hate is a bit not good' the other day. So, hate is a bit not good... The ships are Bilbo and... People. And Gandalf and Elrond. If weird repels you, why are you even here? Run as fast as you can, away from this page. Just so you all know, 'loo' was 'restroom'. Please enjoy, 'read and review', and know John and I update very slowly so if you do enjoy this... Don't kill us. Being tedious is unappreciated. I am quite sure John was intoxicated when you greeted you, so you can't entirely blame him for excessive comma usage.**

**-Sherlock Watson-Holmes.**

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**Helloha! My made up word, means hi, anyways, this is John Watson-Holmes, Sherlock just scolded me on comma use. Well Sherlock pretty much said** _**EVERYTHING**_ **that I was going to say. I can't type, I am drunk, from sugar and adrenaline, and Gandalf, oh, _GANDALF!_ I despise the word, but I love it. Tinged with Sherlock, well then, _BYE!_ :}:}:}:}:}:}:}:}:}:}:} Smaug is my wife.  
**

**-John Watson-Holmes**

**What John? Last time I checked, you were married. To a certain Sherlock Watson-Holmes. Myself! Must I remind you, 'Watson-Holmes' means we are married. It's a joining of our last names. And you're gay.  
**

**-Sherlock Watson-Holmes**

**Well, I was doing a little something called joking, and no, _I don't need explanation_!  
**

**You forgot to sign your name. Let them read this in peace and we can discuss this at home.**

**-Sherlock Watson-Holmes.**

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Bilbo's alarm clock went off, reading **5:45 AM****.** He groaned and rolled onto his stomach, huffing as he waved his pale hand randomly at the alarm clock. After about 5 minutes Bilbo got so fed up with the black and flashing red alarm clock that he stood up, grabbed the alarm clock, and tossed it through the open window. It landed with a crash on someone's car and a cat yowled in the distance. "Oops…" Bilbo whispered. "Bilbo… What, in the name of god, are you doing?" Thorin moaned groggily, sitting up and tossing his black mane with freshly dyed silver stripes of hair behind his back. His bed was about five feet away from Bilbo's, separated by a small nightstand with a calendar on it, the date circled saying: **December 23, 2013**. "Well… The alarm clock wouldn't turn off… so… I might've… Thrown it out of the window and hit someone's car…"

"WHAT?" Thorin cried out and leapt to the window, staring at the crushed remnants of the alarm clock. "You really are a punk rocker…" Thorin muttered and Bilbo broke into a smile. "Well! I have to go, you know, tidy up."

"If by that you mean put on pounds of makeup and straightening your curly hair… Oh! And wearing the _**tightest clothes**__**ever**_ while wearing chains all over… Well. I'd like to see what being untidy for you is…" Thorin and Bilbo started laughing, Bilbo's laugh was light and happy, Thorin's was deep and rumbling. They then set off to their daily routine, Bilbo headed towards the desk with his hair straightener, Thorin towards the closet. Bilbo plugged the hair straightener into the outlet in the wall and waited for it to heat up. He touched a hand to his auburn-brown curls and shrugged. He strolled over to Thorin and watched him struggled with different clothing articles. "Thorin…" Bilbo tried but Thorin cut him short, "Zip it Halfling, I know what I'm doing!" Thorin held up what he had chosen: A bright blue V-neck top, the V-neck going to about his belly button with chains cascading down where his arms would be, with baggy neon pink capris with black zigzags and long black boots with heavy white chains dragging behind him making it hard to bring his foot from the ground. "See? It's fine." Thorin said and added a dull green scarf with pieces of string hanging off each side. Bilbo laughed and said, "Thorin… That outfit wouldn't really be the best. No offense, but it's horrible." Thorin just huffed and sat on the floor stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest. "Here, this should do!" Giggled Bilbo as he picked out a half-tattered black tank top with a low neck, a maroon leather jacket with a few silver chains, skinny black jeans with chains cascading down the sides and chains hanging from the pockets, and a pair of Ox-blood Doctor Martens boots that went about mid-shin and had customized black paint splatters. "See Thorin? This is what you should be wearing." Bilbo said and dropped the clothes onto Thorin's lap, bouncing over to the hair straightener. He saw a steady small trail of smoke rising from the purple hair straightener. As he started straightening each wild curl, he glanced into the corner of his eye and saw Thorin changing, and Bilbo started blushing profusely. Meanwhile in Fili and Kili's room, the two were gossiping about the fellow members of their punk rock band Erebor. "And I totes think that Dwalin and Ori are like, together!" Squealed Fili, impersonating a teenage girl who texted much too often. "O.M.G I know right? And don't even get me _**started on**_ Thorin and Bilbo. I mean have you _**seen**_ them?" Kili said, chewing a piece of gum and gesturing wildly. "O.M.G yes! They should all totes have a wedding and invite the rest of the band members!" Fili cried out. Kili gave a celebratory shout and fell onto his bed. The two started laughing, Kili's dark, dark, DARK brown hair in his face, Fili's dirtier blonde hair in his face. Fili jumped up and started sorting through clothes to pick. "What, what, what are you doing? Uh—no. There is NO WAY you are wearing, that." Kili said and threw aside the clothes Fili had in his hands, jutting one hip out and shaking his head with pursed lips. "Here, girl. This will be fab-u-lous!" Kili picked out some random articles of clothing and dumped them on him. "There we go!" He giggled and strutted to his clothes with a snap. He picked a bundle of purple and black clothing and threw it on. "How do I look?" Kili said, plopping a tattered top hat on his head. "Well being Kili, you can pull off anything." Fili snorted. "Is that jealousy I hear? Oooooh someone's jealous of the Kili looks!" Kili exclaimed and giggled. "Don't worry, you just might end up looking half decent in the future."

"Gee. Thanks." Fili murmured before laughing. They messed up their hair and threw on rather gothic makeup, meaning they got ready. "Are we off?" Kili said, holding his arm out to Fili. "Yes we are!" Fili replied and they linked arms, each taking one last glance at the clock reading: **6:32 AM**, and skipping out of the door. Back in Thorin and Bilbo's room, they were putting on their makeup. Bilbo was sporting a baby blue hat with a black stripe in the middle, long black shorts with rips and chains everywhere, a tight baby blue t-shirt with a black skull on the front and black painted chains coming from it's eyes, and black, especially shiny mid-shin Doctor Martens. His hair was longer than usual and all messed up, sticking out at different angles and hanging shaggily. His makeup was mostly a pure white mask with black stripes going from his bottom eyelid and down, and bright red lipstick. He gripped his guitar tightly with one hand, a cup of chamomile tea in the other. Thorin wore a half-tattered black tank top with a low neck, a maroon leather jacket with a few silver chains, skinny black jeans with chains cascading down the sides and chains hanging from the pockets, and a pair of Ox-blood Doctor Martens boots that went about mid-shin and had customized black paint splatters. His long black hair was tangled up slightly and the fresh silver stripes, which had been dyed the night before, caught the light. He had a pure white mask to match Bilbo's but his black face makeup billowed out after the eyes, he was wearing maroon lipstick. He also had a cup of tea. "What Gandalf suggested about the tea for our voices—that was brilliant!" Bilbo marveled and tried out his voice, singing," The road goes ever on and on!"

"We don't need our voices to be nice… All we're going to be doing is be shouting at the lot of them!"

"Well still… I want to give a good performance." Bilbo retorted and gulped down the remains of the tea, setting it down. Bilbo was proud to be a vocalist and have the ability to play bass as well. "I'll be going to the loo and then we'll leave." Bilbo said perkily and smiled. Thorin sighed; Bilbo really didn't belong in a punk rock band. But he did well anyways. Bilbo walked out and grabbed the car keys, his wallet, and his I.D. He gave Thorin his own things, his I.D had a shamefully plain picture with the words: **THORIN OAKENSHIELD** plastered on it. Bilbo's was the same but with the words: **BILBO BAGGINS** and a picture of himself on it. "And let's go." Bilbo cheerily chirped before him and Thorin stepped out of the door. Bilbo was lightly humming the tune to the song they were most famous for**: **_**The Misty Mountains**__. _Out in the hall, the other members of the band Erebor were waiting. Fili was with Kili, Nori was with Bofur, Oin was with Dori, Gloin was with Bifur, Ori was with Dwalin, and Balin was with Bombur. Those were the pairings that shared rooms together, for they were closest with each other. Fili and Kili rushed up to Thorin and Bilbo, saying quite loudly, "Hello Thorin! Hello Bilbo!" A chorus of 'Hello' rang from the rest of the members. "Ah. Alright, let's do a count, shall we?" Thorin said and was about to continue speaking when Ori dared peep, "No." Thorin, of course, heard and his head snapped in the direction of Ori. Ori hadn't meant it! He was just wondering what would've happened if he did! He was hoping he didn't die because of Thorin's wrath, at times like this he wondered if it would've been better if he _**had**_become a professor, writer, and artist. Everyone called him the scholar in the group, and that was quite right, really. Dwalin stood slightly in front of Ori and gazed down at the man who had shrunk down to avoid Thorin. "Who said that?" Thorin said cooly. The rest of the members split to show a defensive looking Dwalin and a bit of Ori behind him. Ori silently snaked a shaking hand from behind Dwalin and shook it in the air. "It was I..." Muttered Ori nervously. "Stand up." Thorin commanded and Ori stood behind Dwalin. "Well, 'little scholar'," Thorin sneered scornfully, "it's fine." Thorin then assured Ori, a playful smile playing on his face as he took pride that he fooled them. Ori stepped out from behind Dwalin and blinked owlishly. "Oh." He murmured and everyone moulded back into a crowd. "Okay. Lets try that again. When I say your names, say here." Thorin toyed with them, acting like a schoolteacher. "Fili!"

"I might be here! Okay here..."

"Kili!"

"Here! Maaaaaybe"

"Dori!"

"Here, sir."

"Just call me Thorin, for the last time Dori. Nori!"

"Here! I also have some fraud in cas-"

"Ori!"

"Here Mister Thorin Sir."

"Ori, I'm not your drill Sergeant. Oin!"

"WHAT?"

"OIN!"

"Oh right. Hearing's a bit dull. Here."

"Gloin!"

"Here."

"Bifur!"

A grunt was heard from Bifur.

"Bofur!"

"Aye, sir! I'm here, wouldn't miss it for the wor—"

"Cool, great, Bombur!"

"FOOD."

"Alright, he's here… Dwalin!"  
"Ready to destroy all opposing ban—"

"Balin!"

"Aye, laddie, I'm here."

"I'm here of course, and Bilbo!"  
"Nope, haven't seen him…" Bilbo said calmly yet with a joking manner. "Well, we'll certainly be missing our short little 'Hobbit' of a man."

"I'm not a Hobbit. I don't even know what a Hobbit _**is!**_"

"Well Gandalf suggested it. So that's that."  
"Gandalf the 'Wizard'… Sure he's really good at paperwork and crap, but I wouldn't call him a wizard…"  
"It does not matter, _**Hobbit**_." Thorin counteracted with a smirk. Fili and Kili made mock puking sounds and one of them whisper-screamed, "Get a room!" Bilbo scoffed and was about to aim a snarky remark back at the relationship between the two best friends before he was interrupted by a tall older man with long gray hair which draped down to his lower back, and always dresses in either an identical, gray tuxedo every day, or wears the same one suit forever. "I ensured that the Balrog was sent back to the shadows of Morgoth." He boomed. Thorin sighed, "That would be Gandalf, and do you mean that guy who comes to all of our concerts? He's uh—Roderick, right? The dude from Chicago?"

"DO NOT TRUST THAT BEAST. He is truly a Balrog of Morgoth."  
"If that's like some Gandalf code swear word and you're insulting Chicago, then whatever… Morgoth doesn't exist, and neither does whatever a Balrog is."  
"BUT THAT TYRANT!" Gandalf shouted. Thorin sighed and shook his head. "May I ask why you have that stick? Oh! And the curtain draped on your back? And the _**GRAY! WHAT IS WITH THE GRAY?**_"

"Is 'because it suits me' a good enough answer?" Asked Gandalf.

"No!" Shouted Thorin, throwing down his foot as he stormed off grumpily.

Thorin and the rest of the band members had arrived at the bar where they would be playing an hour and thirteen minutes before the concert started. "Where's Gandalf?" Bilbo questioned, "I think I saw him get side-tracked by some gang of nine laddies in black hoods." Replied Bofur, "I'll go s-" a faint shouting cut off Bilbo. "We'll go see what the hell that is… BRB!" Fili and Kili stalked off dramatically, predicting what was about to be witnessed outside…

Gandalf was walking back from a duel with the people he called he called Black Riders and saw Roderick, "BACK YOU BALROG! YOU DON'T BELONG HERE IN BREE!" Gandalf shouted.

"I really don't know why you hate Chicago so much, and we're in New York City!"

"YOU SPEAK LIES, YOU VENEMOUS, WICKED FOOL OF A BEAST!" Gandalf's voice rose with each word, "YOU'RE TRYING TO GET INTO THE CONCERT WITH NO TICKET, YOU'RE TRYING TO POISON ME WITH YOUR SNAKE-LIKE WORDS. Gandalf ran over to a kid playing with a plastic sword, snatching it away from the child, rushing back towards Roderick. Gandalf raised his new, and improved "staff" and hissed, "YOU, SHALL NOT, PASSSSSSSS!" He slammed his stick down on Roderick's toe by accident and Roderick fell in. As a natural instinct, Roderick gripped onto Gandalf's foot, and right before he fell in, Gandalf thought he saw Fili and Kili and shouted, "FLY YOU FOOLS!" And immediately started whacking Roderick with the plastic sword. Fili and Kili walked over to the pit and exclaimed in unison, "O.M.G! W.T.F! R.O.T.F.L!"

"I NEED YOU TO FLY, YOU FOOLS!"

"Uuuuh, we can't fly!" Said Kili.

"And we're definitely not fools." Said Fili.

"AND WHAT IS IT WITH _**YOU**_, AND Chicago?" Cried Roderick.

"I said fly! _**SO FLY!**_" Gandalf exploded. The next moment happened very quickly: Fili had a shoe in his face, and, of course, Kili got the toy sword in the gut, and the stick (which was quite thick and brittle) broke on the side of his head, and Gandalf was halfway across the parking lot already, running very comically with his hair flowing dramatically behind him. "W…T…F…?" Fili said, and Kili said the same, but about Roderick, who had Gandalf's sock on his ear (which had been the one _**in**_ his shoe), was on his left ear, and Gandalf's robe/curtain on his head. "I never want to see _**anything**_ even _**like**_ that ever again." Came a deep voice from behind them. Fili and Kili whipped around to see Thorin standing, looking mildly disturbed, and Bilbo came out and whimpered in a slight joking manner, "Tell me it's over, please? Me no likey Gandalf anymore."

"Alright. Is everyone ready?" Thorin questioned loudly. "Attendance… Again. Okay… Fili?"  
"Nope. Fili is not ready to play guitar and sing."  
"Shut up. Kili?"

"Yeah… I have my guitar and I tried the chamomile tea. It was gross."  
"Dori?"

"Yep, I have my sitar at the ready!"  
"Nori?"  
"Yeah. I have my bass and I still have fraud I.D—"

"Ori?"  
"Yes Mister Thorin Sir, I have my, uh, voice ready?"  
"Sure. Oin?"  
"WHAT?"  
"For Christ's sake, get a hearing aid!"  
"Oh yeah… My sitar is fine."  
"Gloin?"  
"And my bass."  
"Why do you always start everything with 'and my'? Alright… Uh, Bifur?"

A grunt was heard.

"Alright, he has his drum set. Bofur?"  
"Aye, I've got my flute."  
"Why do we even have a _**FLUTE**_? Bombur?"  
"I have my triangle!"  
"Bilbo, why did you even suggest giving him a triangle?"  
"Well, he's a really good cook and I don't know what else to do with hi—"  
"Nope. I refuse. Dwalin?"  
"Yep, I've got my drum set ready."  
"Balin?"

"Aye, laddie. I've got my sitar ready to go."  
"Alright… I'm obviously here. And Bilbo?"  
"Yeah. My voice is fine, because that chamomile tea was _**delicious**_, and my bass is right here." Bilbo replied, holding the massive bass up in his quivering arms. Thorin acknowledged him with a nod and looked about. "Well. Let's all go then…" Thorin said and strode out onto the stage, the rest of the band members shuffling out behind him. A bit of dialogue was exchanged (Thorin shouting at the crowd and the crowd screaming back at him) and Thorin screamed, "ARE YOU READY?" The crowd cheered and whooped yet there was one boo coming from a surprisingly deep voice. Bifur and Dwalin started pounding on the drums quickly and Bilbo struck the first chord.

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**That was the end of chapter 1. Please review. We don't care if you think it sucked. Tell us if you passed out from our emanating waves of psychotic writings. (This is John, SHERLOCK SHOULD HAVE SAID** **_PSYCHONESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!_) John just gave me 'the lip'. Anyways, tell us your honest opinion and such. Goodbye****. John says goodbye, but I won't let him touch the keyboard for he keeps typing 'goodbye John'. SO goodbye.**

**-Sherlock and _JOHN_ Watson-Holmes**


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